Unpacking God's Trauma
A Poem
God had nothing before everything existed. In God’s chest was a void, a space, a darkness. Then there was everything. The heart of God opened to all that could be—an expansive, explosive universe. Burning stars. And then, in an instant, there was consciousness. God-likeness. And in the same instant, there was heartache. And a fracturing—crumbs of God’s body scattered.
Another Houston cold. Snow fell and covered the city. The night before, I worried about frozen pipes and ice on the stairs. Every winter was full of fear. One winter, Paula slipped down the stairs, was injured, and still had to go to work. A decade later, during the Texas freeze, I had to take her to the emergency room. Because of COVID-19 restrictions, I wasn’t allowed inside the waiting room—where only a security guard sat. Instead, I slept in a parking garage, shivering, covering myself with nothing but the clothes in a gym bag. She had undergone a liver biopsy the day before, and the pain was too extreme. After several hours, there was nothing the doctors could do but release her. Seeing her wheeled out, I was so happy—I picked her up as if it were our wedding night and placed her in the car.
That night, we moved our mattress into the living room, warmed by the gas fireplace. The dogs slept at our feet, perhaps relieved we were once again together.
When the snow covered the ground a few weeks ago, Paula wondered why I wasn’t outside with her and the Husky, taking pictures for social media. I couldn’t bear the weight of the white powder. Images foot-printed into depths unknown. It kept me numb, and though I didn’t know why, I couldn’t bring myself to step outside and be with my family.
At times, I wish that God saw the world through my eyes—eyes sometimes drowned in tears, eyes staring into the distance, eyes in constant wonder as to why. The same eyes that made me seem foreign as a child. And at times, I try to look through God’s eyes—to gaze over the expanse of the universe, to feel every molecule, every atom, every heartbeat. Asking, Why would God choose to suffer so greatly?
Was love worth the cost?
And in the emptiness, all I could hear was:
"Yes."