This is why we can’t have nice things…or can we?
How to get unstuck and on the correct path
We are created to pursue the good, but why do we choose otherwise? Plato would chalk it up to a lack of education. In the Republic, he says that we chase the shadows and not the true form of the good. Aristotle says that it seems that all our pursuits tend toward the good, but admits there is a problem with what he would call akrasia or “weakness of the will.” We know we need to eat well, exercise. We know a many things that will help us out in the long run, and we don’t do it. Biblical writers would call this sin or “missing the mark.” We want to do well, to love our neighbors, and to treat others well. However, we fall very short of these goals. Many theologians would debate whether it is outside our nature or inherent to our nature, whether we have the ability to change or if we are totally corrupt. Is there something we can do about it, or there is no responsibility whatsoever? Whatever, the mix between free will and predestination is, I’m not here to argue the case, but propose if there is an ultimate good, then pursuit of this good is of the utmost importance to us. Anything else would fall short. Ultimately, this good is for the good of ourselves and for others.
The Hebrew writers would show that God declared all creation as “very good” (tov meod) and this includes the creation of humans (Genesis 1:31). Why then would we choose otherwise? However, for whatever reason, we do. We would rather live a life that falls short from what we want than go for the life that is intended for us. Of course, many of us have limitations in living up to our full potentials. Most of us can’t easily change our height or skin color or other physical limitations, but those things should not be barriers to our pursuits but ways in which we can creatively flourish. Great artists work within their limitations. For years, I’ve been working with large canvases, building them in my garage and stretching them in either my office or Paula’s studio. As Paula got busier and busier with photoshoots, I was left with fewer places to paint. Recently, we moved into a much larger space, which would allow us to do both without many limitations. Without this barrier, I would have to change my perspective to think of this new-found freedom as a way to be more disciplined with my time and painting, writing, and coaching work. The more I put time constraints on other activities, the more I can flourish. This is the paradox: We can learn to make boundaries work for our own good.
Recently, I have been helping clients pursuit their big ideas, their dream goals, by giving them a plan for a 12-week year. This is based on the book by the same name, except I’ve modified it to involve an envisioning process and reflection activities. Already, I’ve seen massive improvements from those who want to focus on achieving their goals. It is a rapid transformation that I’ve seen in myself, and in others. However, the price is that we have to say “no” too many things that distract. This may mean people, activities, other competing wants, and lesser goals. The great side is that we can therefore pursue the good, and even the great.
My client is so happy about the progress he has seen in a few weeks of meetings that he has invited his son to work with me. Just out of college, at the age of 25, this young man has a bright future ahead. I wish I knew what I knew now at his age, but what is great is that there is no better time than now to redirect ourselves toward where we want to be. Of course, there will be set backs and obstacles, but this will give us opportunities to course correct and move closer to the goals that we set for ourselves.
All That You Can't Leave Behind
People get stuck because of trauma, hurt, anxiety, or whatever their reasons. The outcome is that they are attempting to pursue what they perceive to be good by coping with the situation. They are survivors. I know this strategy because being a refugee, this is all we ever know. But there is a way out of this mode, and it is about honest reflection about where we once were and all that we’ve accomplished, not despite our circumstances, but because of our circumstances. This is the possible world that I exist in, and there are billions of other possible worlds that I can imagine drawing from.
Despite the arguments regarding identity, who people could be or could identify themselves to be, I can be the person who I want to be. There is a future version of myself who is braver, kinder, smarter, more equipped, more antifragile, and seeks the good for himself and others. I just need to be compassionate to the past versions of myself, and envision and welcome this future version. Essentially, this is about letting go what I need to let go of and moving toward what is ahead.
The U2 album, All That You Can't Leave Behind, came to mind while writing and if one listens carefully, the themes center on past experiences, letting go, and a hope of a better tomorrow. “Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of” shakes me emotionally because I know about being “stuck.” This is the worst place because when most animals feel caged in, they will either recoil in fear or lash out in anger. I’ve done both, and it is damaging to the soul. This kind of negative boundary becomes a block rather than an open door to something better.
There are many ways in which we can self-sabotage ourselves when we feel chained. This could even be, after apparent successes in our lives, where we plateau. Is there anywhere to go from here? Do I need to settle? Because all of us are meant for continual growth (yes, even in middle age), we will commit acts of self-sabotage if we feel bound to our circumstances. We will gnaw at our own paws to get out of the shackles.
Perhaps in the next post, I’ll talk more about ways in which we self-sabotage our-selves, our relationships, and our successes rather than to pursue the good that we are after. Until then, I’ll leave you with the U2 video referenced above. The last image of The Edge helping Bono up is striking to me because there have been so many people who have helped me get unstuck. My wife, Paula, my close friends, my community of people, you who have subscribed to this newsletter, have been instrumental, and I can’t express to you enough how much I appreciate your patient endurance.
We can have nice things, a better way of life, for ourselves and for others. There is a way forward. In the wilderness, the Hebrews sent out 12 spies to report on the Promised Land and they came back to report terrifying news, full of impenetrable fortresses and undefinable enemies. However when Caleb and Joshua scouted it, they reported differently. “No, The land is not what you think.” The land they described is not only “very good” but is “very, very good” (tov meod meod) (Numbers 14:17). This metaphorical, future possibility is simply a matter of perspective. Despite whatever physical limitations we have, despite the circumstance (or even in spite of these forces) we can persist, and this persistence will lead to confidence in our possible futures. This is what we call faith.
Probing for Reflection
What is your deepest desire at this moment, for yourself and your relationships?
What about the way you perceive yourself that is keeping you stuck where you are?
If you can change something about yourself or your perspective about yourself, how would change your life 1 year from now? 5 years from now? 10 years from now.
What are the negative barriers preventing your growth? What are good boundaries that would help you flourish?